Father's Day Advice for Freeloaders

Father's Day Advice for Freeloaders

 

Attention, living-at-home millennials: Stock the fridge and surrender the remote.

 

By Zach Valenti

 

Living in my parents' second bedroom as a 24-year-old two years out of college, I know first-hand the challenges and opportunities of celebrating Father's Day with dad in the next room. Since nearly 40% of 18- to 31-year-olds live with their folks, I know I'm not alone. Here's how to get it right this year if you're among the 21.6 million millennials still boarding with pop.

1. Fathers First: For starters, let your old man use the shower first in the morning, since he pays the rent, electricity and hot-water bills. While he's in there, it wouldn't kill you to put on the coffee, maybe even cook breakfast. Whatever you do, just don't tear through the morning paper before he gets to it.

2. Man Power: He's getting older now, so do the heavy lifting without rubbing it in. Mow the lawn and replace the hard-to-reach light bulbs and smoke-detector batteries when he's not around.

3. Do Gooder: Instead of coasting by on the bare minimum of chores to postpone your inevitable eviction, act like you owe the man your life. Start with his laundry and try stocking the fridge with his favorite brew. Brownie points for ordering your ma some flowers in his name with a nice note, like: "It wouldn't be Father's Day for me without you."

4. Labor Market: In this economy, odds are your dad doesn't want to be your patron. Do him a favor and trade in your unpaid internship for something that pays an honest day's wage. Even if it's as a waiter or dog walker. Maybe not so fulfilling for you, but it definitely will be for him.

5. Gift Shop: Unless socks and ties are his passion, be more creative this year. Get him something that would make you jealous, like a new iPhone or ballgame tickets. If you're going to save your money, make sure it's to sign a lease.

6. Forsake the Free Ride: If you're not moving out soon, offer to pay your share of the electric bill, or throw down for part of the rent or mortgage—it's about time.

7. Remote Control: Leave the channel-flipping to dad. You'll suffer, but he'll appreciate running the show during what he considers quality family time.

8. Let Him Eat Steak: Your kale and salmon meals make him wince, so cut out the mealtime lectures for the day. He'll consider the relief sweeter than a pecan pie.

9. Memoir Man: He has told you about catching that 50-pound bass 50 times before—what's the harm in sitting through it again? Letting him revel in the glorious past may distract him from your overstaying in the present.

10. Get Out of Dodge: As much as you may never, ever want to think about it, your dad likes to be alone with your mother enough to have had you. And nothing cramps a man's style more than having his offspring within earshot all weekend. Disappear and make his year.

Mr. Valenti is an artist and entrepreneur living in Manhattan.