There is a real,
organic, and irreplaceable relationship between a father and a child that is
essential to the child’s development and happiness.
From the Federalist
So, singer Katy Perry wants to have a
baby—just leave the man out of it!
“I don’t need a dude,” she told Rolling Stone. “It’s 2014! We are living
in the future; we don’t need anything. . . . I’m not anti-men. I love men. But
there is an option if someone doesn’t present himself.”
I don’t know what “We don’t need anything”
means in Perry’s world, but when it comes to parenting, do we need a man?
Surprisingly, when “The Five” on Fox asked that question, the ladies
seemed generally supportive of Perry. Only Juan Williams—the token liberal on
the panel—condemned Perry’s comments. That’s not surprising since Williams has
written about the tragedy of absent fathers in the African-American
culture.
“I bet the child would want two parents,”
Williams said. “The child would say, ‘I’d like to have someone walk me to the
park while mom is out on tour as opposed to the latest nanny. . . .’ Oh,
please. Talk about someone who is irresponsible.”
Williams seemed to be the only person really
thinking about the child. Most of the others boiled the issue down to money—as
if the value of a father is based on what he can contribute financially.
Granted, in our high-divorce culture with battles over child-support checks,
many women think just that.
Dana Perino said she “totally” gets what
Perry means. “I love the father-figure idea, but maybe there just isn’t enough
research or time yet to see if women like Katy Perry can make it work.”
“A woman like Katy Perry”? You mean a rich woman? Does wealth, therefore, make
up for the flesh-and-blood influence of a loving father? This is what she and
others seem to be saying—especially since Perino reduces fatherhood to a
nebulous “father figure idea.”
Daddies Are Best For Kids
In other words, if a woman has enough money
and maybe some help from friends and extended family, she can “make it work,”
and a loving father isn’t necessary. But is that what’s best for the child? Not
according to recent studies.
Sociologist David Popenoe, a pioneer in the
field of research into fatherhood, says, “Fathers are far more than just ‘second adults’ in the
home. Involved fathers bring positive benefits to their children that no other
person is as likely to bring.”
That means it’s not just the fact that he
provides money so there is reduced stress in the home, and it doesn’t mean just
any “dude” can step in and replace him. There is a real and organic
relationship between a father and a child that is irreplaceable and essential
in the development of the child.
Williams wrote in an article at the Wall Street Journal that “when
fatherless young people are encouraged to write about their lives, they tell
heartbreaking stories about feeling like ‘throwaway people.’ In the privacy of
the written page, their hard, emotional shells crack open to reveal the
uncertainty that comes from not knowing if their father has any interest in
them.”
Study after study has shown that children
with fathers in the home are better off in school, commit less crime, have more
stable relationships, and are less likely to be involved with drugs or engage
in other deviant behavior. Girls, in particular, exhibit higher self-esteem and
are less likely to have out-of-wedlock pregnancies.
According to Psychology Today,
“Girls whose fathers left either before they were born or up to age 5 were
seven to eight times more at risk of becoming pregnant as an adolescent than
girls living with their fathers. A father’s departure between ages 6 to13
suggested a two to three times greater risk of becoming pregnant.”
Daddies Mean More Brains,
Less Abuse
According to a report on “The Importance of Fathers in the
Health Development of Children” by the U.S. Department of Health and Human
Services (HHS), “A number of studies suggest that fathers who are involved,
nurturing, and playful with their infants have children with higher IQs, as
well as better linguistic and cognitive capacities.”
The influence of a
dad on academic achievement extends into teenage years and young adulthood.
Studies have found that active fathering is associated with “better verbal
skills, intellectual functioning, and academic achievement among adolescents.”
A 2001 Department of Education study found that children who had highly
involved biological fathers were 43 percent more likely than other children to
earn mostly As, and they were 33 percent less likely to repeat a grade.
While Perry
dismisses fathers out of hand because she evidently “doesn’t need anything,” it
is all too clear that children desperately need a father. Money won’t make up
for the loss. Nannies can’t replace him. Another man (or woman) will never
really fill his shoes—in fact, HHS found that “unrelated male figures and
stepfathers in households tend to be more abusive than biological, married
fathers,” and “the presence of fathers in the home is tied to lower rates of
maltreatment.”
Before you start
thinking that kids might be better off without dads because you assume men are
more abusive, HHS has found that “approximately two-fifths (40.8 percent) of
child victims were maltreated by their mothers acting alone while 18.8 percent
were maltreated by their fathers acting alone.” It seems “Mommy Dearest” is a
bigger threat than Daddy.
Social and Emotional
Stablity
While adoption by
singles is certainly better than having a child drift from one foster home to
another—and there are many heroic single men and women who have adopted
children domestically as well as from other countries—the flippant disregard
expressed by Perry and others who would rather go to the sperm bank than build
a solid marriage with a man (and then raise children on that strong foundation)
is quite a different matter. It reveals failure to grasp not only the value of
family but what actually constitutes a viable family. This isn’t to say that
single moms or dads or homosexual couples can’t “make it work” (whatever that
means), but if we want to build a strong, stable, good society, we have to be
developing strong, stable, good individuals—and fathers are essential to that.
Of note, one of
the “indirect effects” studies found regarding the
importance of a father in the development of children is how he treats the mother.
One of the best things a father can do for a child is to treat their mother
with love, honor, and respect. When he does this, children are more secure,
more confident, and more likely to develop strong relationships when they get
older. When a mother chooses to go it alone, children are robbed of
witnessing—and benefiting from—the love of a man and a woman as they work
through all the trials and tribulations of building a life together.
HHS has found that
fathers have a profound impact on the psychological and social stability of
children in many areas. “Children who have an involved father are more likely
to be emotionally secure, be confident to explore their surroundings, and, as
they grow older, have better social connections with peers.” Could there be a
link, therefore, between a society that has become more socially disconnected
(even though it is bound by technology and a constant exchange of information)
and a growing number of families without a father? It is certainly logical that
there could be at least a relationship between the two even if there is no
direct cause and effect.
Studies have shown
that fatherless children are more insecure, more likely to experience
depression, and more inclined to exhibit disruptive behavior. “Boys with involved
fathers have fewer school behavior problems,” and “girls have stronger
self-esteem.” In other words, “fathers have a powerful and positive impact upon the development and health of
children.”
Some studies have
even found that fathers have more of an impact on
a child’s development than mothers. Ronald P. Rohner, director of the Center
for the Study of Parents Acceptance and Rejection at the University of
Connecticut in Storrs, has discovered that while, overall, the love of mothers
and fathers equally affects children’s emotional and mental health, “in some
cases, the withdrawal of a father’s love seems to play a bigger role in kids’
problems with personality and psychological adjustment, delinquency, and
substance abuse. . . . And for others, the presence of a father’s love may do
more to boost children’s sense of well-being and improve their emotional and
physical health.”
Rohner is quick to
say that the issue isn’t who’s more important, but to recognize that dads are
key, just as moms are. “We hope findings like these will encourage men to
become more involved in their children’s care,” he said. “Then the whole family
benefits.”
Don’t Mess With Society
When the whole
family benefits, the entire community is better off. But when you have growing
trend of absent fathers, society is sure to feel the effects, and this trend is
growing. In 1960, the proportion of children
living in mother-only families was 8 percent, but by 2013 that number had
tripled to 24 percent. Insecurity, lack of confidence, anxiety,
fear, inability to compete, deviant social behavior, and isolation—all of this
adds up to a deterioration of the civil society. And the civil society is the
bedrock of a healthy republic.
When we have a pop
icon flippantly saying she doesn’t need a dude to raise a child (and she’s not
the only one), and when we have conservative pundits equating “making it work”
with how much money you have—as if men were mere ATMs—those who know better
need to speak up and not be afraid of coming across as intolerant or
judgmental. That’s because we are the ones who truly know by our own
experiences what is best for children. We have seen the tears, the
insecurities, the longing looks as our children who stand alone watch friends
high-five their dads after a soccer game; or the way they get too attached to
that first boyfriend or girlfriend because they’re trying to fill that missing
place in their hearts where their father should be; or the yearning they feel
when they talk about how they like to go over to their friend’s house to eat
because their mom and dad sit down with them as a family.
A dad isn’t just
some dude to dismiss. Children need him. They will always need him; from
infancy to adulthood, he is the cornerstone of their lives. To take that
security—that love—away from them will leave them unstable and crippled. Such a
great cruelty should not be trifled with and it certainly shouldn’t be praised.
It should be condemned just as Williams did when he called Perry’s comments
irresponsible. And that’s what they are—irresponsible—and thoughtless,
especially considering that many of Perry’s fans are young, impressionable
girls.
Kimberly Guilfoyle
of “The Five” said she hopes Perry is trying to empower girls by telling them
“if you’re not lucky in love you can still fulfill your dreams.” But can
statements that encourage behavior which undermines the very foundation of the
family and kids’ health and well-being empower girls and help them fulfill
their dreams? More likely, if they follow Perry’s example, they’ll end up
living a nightmare. Maybe not all of them. But if the statistics are to be
believed, then the truth is that growing up without a dad is no fairytale.
No comments:
Post a Comment