... and am quickly
recalling.
By Megan Fox in PJ Media
10. How
hard it is to change a diaper on a tiny human
Newborns are tiny (at least mine are), and you forget how tiny
until you try to change a diaper. There’s that umbilical cord to avoid which is
awkward and nerve-wracking (even for an old pro like me). First, you have to
take off the soiled diaper, then you have to pry those curled up legs away from
the area to be cleaned (which is not easy… they are strong suckers!). Finally,
you must attach the new diaper to this tiny, struggling being. This can take
several tries.
During that time, you most assuredly will be peed on, causing you
to have to reach for a new diaper. This scenario can repeat several times
before you get it right. Also, newborns hate diaper changing. HATE. They scream
the whole time. Dressing them is next to impossible, too. For some reason they
anchor their little elbows to their sides like their life depends on NOT
putting sleeves on. Sleeves are damned near impossible. When will someone
invent an infant straitjacket-like garment where one can just put their arms
inside their clothes?
9. Male
relatives believe they can “break” the baby
Lots of relatives come to visit after you have a baby and the
female relatives will grab the baby and hold him for hours, passing him around
between themselves. The male relatives, on the other hand, will not touch a
newborn with a ten foot pole. Each one has the same excuse: “He’s too small!
I’ll hold him when his head isn’t going to fall off.” I don’t know what it is about
men, but they all think they’re going to hurt a newborn. I’ve never seen them
do this with puppies. They’ll hold a 6-week-old puppy with no issues, but a
newborn is a scary, scary thing for most men.
Mr. Fox does not have this problem, probably because he’s part of
the generation of dads who were in the delivery room and who actually change
diapers. But any man born before the 1950s acts like you’re trying to hand them
a small nuke when you try to give them a newborn. (My dad likes to brag that
he’s never changed a diaper. All three of his daughters keep telling him that
not helping his wife is something to be ashamed, of but he keeps bragging about
it for some reason. My mother is a saint.)
8. What
sleep deprivation feels like
You know it’s coming, the sleepless nights and the near-constant
exhaustion, but you can’t truly appreciate it until you’re marinating right in
the middle of it. Bleary-eyed at 3 a.m. with only two hours of sleep behind
you, you can barely recall your own name let alone what you are supposed to be
doing. This is where breastfeeding comes in so handy. No mixing, warming, trips
to the kitchen or other such nonsense. Just grab baby and go back to bed.
(Please, no “you’ll squash the baby in bed!” hysteria. I know
people do this and it’s scary and sad. Know thyself. If a train can’t wake you
at night then don’t co-sleep. If a change in air temperature rouses you easily,
like me, then don’t worry about it.)
Most of the time, I can snooze half-awake while nursing and when
he’s done I can roll over and plop him back in the bassinet and everyone goes
back to real sleep. After a few days of constantly interrupted sleep, however,
you’ll find your mind feels crazed. Memory goes, patience flees and this can go
on for months. In some cases, years. All I’m saying is, if you don’t have any
kids yet, enjoy your uninterrupted sleep. It’s important and you will miss it!
7. How
much childbirth hurts
Everyone forgets this or the human race would die out. And with
the invention of epidurals and spinal taps some people never feel it. I planned
on being one of those people, and two out of three of my birth experiences were
pretty much painless.
Unfortunately, this last one was somewhat of a cruel joke.
I don’t know what it is about anesthesiologists, but there are
never enough of them when needed. My epidural failed shortly before “go time”
and the happy-juice guy was doing something else somewhere far away and denied
me my pre-planned cocktail. “He’s coming,” they kept saying as the minutes
ticked by in excruciating contractions interrupted only by my tears and
gasping. He never came. My midwife finally had to look me in the face and say,
“You’re having this baby now anyway. Let’s do it.”
WHAAAT???
This was not the plan. I’ve heard about the burning ring of fire
and that’s precisely why I never wanted to experience it! That’s what epidurals
are for! They’re not supposed to die out before the Big Show! The Big Show is
the moment the epidural is most needed! What the Hell? Clearly, I have a baby
now so somehow I did it, but I truly have no idea how and I think my tailbone
is fractured (I type this while sitting on an inflatable ring).
I also had the distinct feeling that my head was going to explode
at the moment of truth. Strangely, when I asked my husband what he was thinking
while I was screaming, he said, “I thought your head was going to explode.” (He
really is my soulmate.) That’s what childbirth feels like. Like your head is
going to pop off. (And of course there’s the burning ring of fire below.) It’s
like what I imagine war to be like. There’s blood and screaming and chaos and
pain so bad you’re sure you’re going to die. It’s amazing to me the human race
made it through the span of human history with no pain management for
childbirth. My sister assures me that now that I’ve pushed out a baby without
drugs, I qualify to be a Marine.
6. How
much breastfeeding hurts
I nursed two babies. It’s cheaper, it’s healthier, it’s great for
lazy people like me and did I mention how cheap it is? It’s free. Go check out
how much formula costs. It’s like $500 a can or something. Trust me, with all
the other crap you have to buy for babies, you don’t need the extra expense.
Formula also smells like fish and tastes worse. I can’t understand how babies
drink it. Nursing is worth the pain and aggravation of the first few weeks. If
you can get past that you can do anything and you’ll save yourself oodles of
money.
Those first few weeks are tough, though. First, no matter how many
babies you’ve nursed, nipples go back to being sensitive real quick so you have
to start over each time toughening them up. After the third day of nursing, I
began looking at my son in fear, as if he was a barracuda coming at my nipple
with razor-sharp teeth. The latching is the worst part. The minute they create
that vacuum it’s like a thousand tiny needles right in the nipple. It makes
your feet literally come off the floor and your whole body tense.
However, in a few minutes it subsides and it doesn’t hurt again
until you switch them to the other side. The good news is, this doesn’t last
forever. Soon it’s not painful at all. There are some people who get cracks and
bleeding and infections… but I swear, if you can stick it out you will be so
pleased with the outcome. Just slather those things up with all the boob
remedies you can find and soldier on. It’s worth it in the end. (And you can
save all the painful stories to guilt them into doing chores later on.)
5.
Newborns don’t smell good.
Well, they start out smelling good, but then you can’t bathe them
for a week or so while that umbilical cord is still attached. They start to
smell like sour milk and sweat. Of course you can give them a sponge bath, but
they hate anything that makes them cold.
But I had the memory of inhaling baby sweetness and then realized
that sweetness is manufactured by Johnson & Johnson and comes in lavender
scents. (And don’t forget to get in between the toes — they get really cheesy.)
It was also fun rediscovering what’s new in the baby world like ingenious baths
for infants. Here’s the one I got so I don’t have to bend over the tub while
kneeling on cold tile. We bathe our cub in the kitchen sink in this cushy wonder.
4. The
noises they make
Newborns make the craziest sounds that will scare you. They squeak
and gasp and make choking noises, sometimes all night long. You get used to it.
But in the beginning, it’s upsetting. You think they’re going to stop breathing
at any moment. This is why having a bassinet next to your bed is better than a
monitor. When a sound scares you, it’s easier to pop your head up and check on
them than to have to run into another room. My son had a short stay in the NICU
after birth for breathing problems so I’ve been extra freaked out by his noises
at night and having him close by is a relief. Mr. Fox has nicknamed the baby
“Squeaker” because of his funny noises. Newborn coos are precious and once you
get used to them you’ll love hearing them.
3. Being
housebound in summer stinks
I forgot how long a new mom ends up inside, unable to go anywhere.
For one, you’re sore and feel lousy — and secondly, you can’t just drag a
newborn anywhere. There are germs and weather and all sorts of reasons to stay
home. It’s really annoying in the summer. At least in the winter you’d probably
be inside anyway. During the summer, everyone else is out and about and
enjoying life and it can feel like you’re imprisoned in your house. I’ve been
out on a few outings but mostly to doctors. I’m getting housebound and crazy.
Whenever I consider going out somewhere people yell at me about how little the
baby is and how I shouldn’t risk it. There’s nothing like a good dose of guilt
and paranoia to get the mother of an infant to stay inside! But if at all
possible, it’s a good idea to get out, even if it’s just to sit in the backyard
or on the front porch for a while and breathe fresh air.
2. How
badly pacifiers are made
I’ve been through exactly 6 different brands of pacifiers trying
to find one that my baby likes. This kid has gained a pound in a week which I
think I can attribute to the constant nursing. But I’m beginning to think he’s
using me as a pacifier. Almost every pacifier, even for newborns, is HUGE. And
he hates them. He spits them out and won’t latch on. It took some serious
searching but we finally found one he likes called “Mam.” For the first time he
was able to latch onto it and gave me about two hours of respite before the
next nursing frenzy. Unfortunately, every baby is different, so the only thing
you can do is pony up the cash and buy every pacifier they sell until you find
one that works.
1. How
delightful and precious they are
We weren’t planning on this baby. I’m almost 40 and the news of it
surprised and shocked us. It was upsetting because I thought I had my life all
figured out and things were running a little smoother with an 8 year old and a
5 year old. I finally wasn’t changing diapers or carrying someone on my hip.
And then it all changed again.
I get how disruptive a new baby can seem. I wasn’t exactly
thrilled with the news. Add to that the terribly hard pregnancy I had with the
never-ending sickness and sciatic pain and round ligament pain and you have a
recipe for depression. I didn’t spend any of this pregnancy in a state of bliss
and wonder. I spent it hung over the toilet and at the chiropractor. But then
he arrived and after a thoroughly frightening stay in the NICU for a partial
lung collapse, I fell in love. The idea of losing this baby, whom I had not
been particularly fond of throughout this whole pregnancy, was too much to even
imagine. I cannot describe the fear and terror of having your newly born child
taken from your body into intensive care. Seeing him strapped up with tape and
tubes and needles and sleeping under lamps was terrifying. I had only held him
for a moment before they took him away. And there he stayed for two days while
he recovered. And I recovered from childbirth with no child. It was bizarre and
scary.
Now that he’s home and well and we are together at last, I am
remembering what it’s like to fall in love with a new baby. It’s the best thing
on earth. I feel so stupid for being so miserable during pregnancy and I wish I
could bottle this feeling and give it away to those desperate women out there
who don’t stick it out and persevere through the hardship of circumstance and
instead opt to end an unwanted pregnancy. I wish I could tell them, you may not
want it now when you’re hunched over the sink losing your breakfast but if you
could just feel for one moment what it feels like to hold that new baby and
feel his heartbeat against your skin, you’d never even consider the
alternative.
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