The Real Reason
Couples Have Sex
Two New Studies Examine What Motivates Couples
to Have Sex
By Elizabeth Bernstein
in the Wall Street Journal
For years, Julie
Brinton's days have been filled with sippy cups and skinned knees, and the
endless push of getting three young children through dinner time, bath time,
bedtime. By the time she crawls into bed each night, she has one thing on her
mind: zoning out to an hour or so of TV.
But some nights, her
husband, Rob, reaches over to rub her shoulders and offer her a back rub. And
then Ms. Brinton thinks: "Has it really been three weeks? I guess we
should probably have sex."
"I will do it for
him," says Ms. Brinton, 34, who lives in Mesa, Ariz.
Mr. Brinton, also 34,
appreciates his wife's gesture. "But afterward," he says, "I
always feel guilty, that I've been selfish."
Ah, marital sex.
Therapists have long
known that couples who have more, and better, sex are happier and more stable.
But new research from
the University of Toronto shows that the reasons why partners have sex in the
first place also significantly affect marital satisfaction. And a person's
motive for making love tonight may make a difference to the health of his or
her relationship months from now.
For many years,
scientists believed that humans had sex for a few simple reasons: to reproduce,
experience physical pleasure or relieve sexual tension. Then a 2007 study from
the University of Texas identified 237 expressed motives for sex. The reasons ranged
from the mundane (stress reduction) to the spiritual (to get closer to God) and
from the altruistic (to make the other person feel good) to the spiteful (to
retaliate against a partner who cheated by cheating).
Now, two studies by
University of Toronto researchers published this month in the journal
Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, have divided the most common
reasons why people have sex—and the ones most relevant to long-term
relationships—into two broad categories of motivation: approach and avoidance.
Approach motives pursue a positive outcome. ("I want to increase intimacy
with my spouse" or "I want to feel closer to my partner.")
Avoidance motives aim to evade a negative outcome. ("I want to avoid
conflict" or "I don't want to feel guilty.")
Each category is also
divided into subcategories: self-focused or partner-focused.
The researchers paid
particular attention to partner-focused goals. "They have the greatest
impact on the outcomes of a relationship," says Amy Muise, a postdoctoral
fellow at the University of Toronto and lead researcher on the study.
When Scientists Speak
of Sex
Researchers at the
University of Toronto asked couples to track their sexual motivation. Here are
the terms they identified:
- Self-Focused Approach: To pursue a positive outcome for yourself, such as
personal pleasure or to feel closer to a partner.
- Self-Focused Avoidance: To evade a negative outcome for oneself, for example,
wanting to not feel guilty about saying 'no' to sex.
- Partner-Focused Approach: To achieve a positive outcome with your partner, like
greater closeness or to make the partner feel good.
- Partner-Focused Avoidance: To avoid conflict with your partner and prevent him or
her from feeling angry or disappointed.
Source: University of
Toronto
Both studies were what
researchers call "daily diary" studies. In the first, 108
heterosexual dating couples completed a survey every day for two weeks. On days
that they had sex, the partners each answered 26 questions about their motives,
rating them from 1 to 7. Examples: "To prevent my partner from becoming
upset" or "To feel better about myself." They also rated their
relationship satisfaction, sexual satisfaction and desire each day.
The results: On days
when a person's motivation to have sex is more positively oriented, he or she
felt more satisfied—both in the relationship and sexually—and had a higher
level of desire. Conversely, on days when someone was motivated to have sex by
more negative goals, he or she felt less satisfied and less desire.
Even more interesting,
the researchers say: A person's sexual motivation affected his or her partner's
gratification. When someone had sex for positive reasons, the partner felt more
desire and relationship satisfaction. When someone had sex for negative reasons,
the partner felt less satisfied in the relationship and less sexually
satisfied.
The researchers found
no difference when it came to gender. "Men do have higher desire in
general, but the motives for sex and the way they make people feel aren't
different for men and women," says Dr. Muise.
Also, regardless of
how often a couple had sex, the results of the research were the same.
"One thing we
wanted to know is whether it really matters to your partner why you want to
have sex, as long as they are getting what they want," says Dr. Muise. The
answer, she says, is yes. "If I am having sex more for approach goals, it
increases my desire and satisfaction, so my partner probably senses that and it
contributes to their outcome. Our satisfaction carries over to them."
The second study
followed 44 married or cohabitating couples for three weeks—and then followed
up four months later. The results were very similar to the first study.
And these effects held
steady over time. People who had sex mostly for positive reasons over the
course of the diary reported higher sexual satisfaction four months later,
while people who had sex mostly for negative reasons had lower sexual
satisfaction and desire. (Ditto, in both cases, for their partners.)
So is it better to
have sex for negative, or avoidance, reasons than not at all? The answer is
complicated. Research shows that on days when we have sex we feel more
satisfied in our relationship than on days when we don't. And yet when people
have sex more often for negative motives, the bad outcomes build up. Dr.
Muise's conclusion: "Unless the sex is highly avoidance motivated, it
might be OK in the moment," she says. "But you definitely get more
benefits from approach motivation."
How can you become
more positively motivated when it comes to sex? If you're feeling like you'd
just rather go to sleep, try tuning into the emotional connection between you
and your partner, says Julie Hanks, a clinical social worker in Salt Lake City.
"Lead with what you want instead of what you don't want to happen,"
she says.
About a year ago, Ms.
Brinton decided she and her husband needed to work on their sex life. "I
thought, 'I want to enjoy sex. I want to feel connected to my husband. I want
to reclaim my sexuality.' "
So she started doing
things to make herself feel sexy: She bought new lingerie and started reading
erotic romance novels.
Ms. Brinton also asked
her husband to go to a sex therapist with her.
Her husband says he
was thrilled. He figured there would be a lot of sex as homework. But, at least
initially, their homework was to focus on real communication—not just small
talk—about issues unrelated to sex. "I came to realize that you can't have
a great, intimate sex life until you have learned to connect outside of the
bedroom," says Mr. Brinton, who owns a custom-framing business.
Eventually, their
conversations led to talk of sex—and then more sex. Once "we knew how to
talk about other things, we felt comfortable with the difficult questions about
what the other person likes in bed," says Mr. Brinton.
They say they are both
careful to focus on feeling good. "Every reason we have sex now is a
positive for me," says Ms. Brinton.
The entire article can be found at:
http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702303902404579149542886151358
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