Edited by
Safety_Yellow_Flash, LilSuzu, Krystle, Flickety and 35 others. From Wiki How.
Men
can be baffled by women's explanations of how they should react to something
they see as a simple problem that will eventually solve itself without their
intervention. Yet, how wrong this assumption is!
If
you're a man who desperately needs to be told how to handle your girlfriend
when the floodgates open with no warning, follow these instructions. Keep in
mind that you may need to omit or repeat some steps, and no matter what else,
always be courteous. If you're a man who simply wants to be prepared in the
event of a crying female coworker or friend flinging herself at you with
apparent intent to drown, then you will also find help from these steps. And
finally, but not least, if you're a woman, you might want to show this to all
the men in your life on whom you may end up crying at some point. They will
thank you.
Keep
in mind that this article is not intended to be sexist in any way; rather, it
seeks to demystify one of life's often poorly understood realities by providing
a lighthearted but sensible explanation of how you can help when a woman is
crying on you.
1
If a woman decides to cry on you, let it
happen. If
she's not already your girlfriend, be aware that this means you may have a
chance with this particular woman, since women tend to select men they can cry
on as potentially viable mates. If this woman is comfortable enough with
touching you to bury her face in your shoulder or chest and pour out all of her
emotions on you, then she may be comfortable enough
to touch you under other circumstances. Eventually.
·
Whatever
you do, do not try to stop her from crying. She will just divert the tears to
storage for later. Let her cry as long as she wants. Be aware that when a woman
is crying on your shoulder or chest, time slows down by over 50 percent. It may
seem like she is crying on you for an hour, but many women do not have the
stamina to actually do so, because they avoid crying as much as they can. If
you look at any clock, you will notice that very few women are capable of
crying for more than 20 to 30 minutes.
2
If the woman crying on you is not your
girlfriend and your girlfriend is watching another woman cry on you:
·
Pat
the crying female awkwardly on one shoulder, and do not in any circumstance
embrace her. You may still let her cry on you, but do not give any indication
that you are enjoying this or are experiencing any emotions other than surprise
and bewilderment. Act thoroughly confused at this uninvited gesture.
·
If
your girlfriend is watching you or the other female with narrowed eyes, raised
hackles, or her tail is thrashing from side to side, it is recommended that you
take action to avert her (perfectly justified) jealousy. Make a panicked
expression and communicate to her that you don’t know where this woman came
from or why she is crying on you. Make some small effort to dislodge the errant
female. If the small effort does not work, resign yourself to being cried upon
by the stranger and get your side of an argument ready about how you are a
gentleman, and it is impolite to push someone away when they are in a state of
distress. Tell her that offering a shoulder to cry on is one of the most
gentlemanly things a guy can do.
·
Also,
tell your girlfriend that you will do the same for her if she ever needs to
cry, with the addition of back rubs and chocolate. That should get you out of
her wrath zone.
3
If the woman is your girlfriend, first
think back through the past few minutes and try to determine what you
did/said/thought to upset her. If you find it, apologize and embrace her.
Stop doing that behavior immediately and never do it again. If not, think back
through the past day. If you still can’t find anything you may have done, said,
or thought to upset her, then you may, in fact, not be the problem. But you can
be part of the solution! This is where the real technique comes in.
4
Have a handkerchief ready, but do not use it
until the woman has stopped crying, unless she appears to be drowning in her tears/messing
up her makeup. To
simply stand by while her makeup is ruined and not do anything would be very un-gentlemanly. A clean, white
handkerchief is the most chivalrous item a man can offer a lady to blow
her nose on.
5
If you are somewhat familiar with this woman,
it is usually acceptable to pat or rub her upper back a few times during her
crying attack.
Always rub between the shoulder blades, and never, ever let your hand stray
within snapping distance of any bras or other lingerie she may be wearing. If
you are very, very familiar with the woman, you may rub her lower back. Never,
ever, ever go lower than her waist. If you grab a buttock accidentally, prepare
to be slapped very hard and then ostracized by everyone in this woman's social
circle. If you touch any of these "no-zones", you deserve the punishment.
6
Hug. When the woman appears to be running out of
tears, it is acceptable to either embrace her gently and quickly around the
shoulders if you are familiar, or gather her to your chest if you two are
intimate. This helps to squeeze out any leftover tears, and you may experience
a temporary increase in crying from the woman. This is completely normal, and
nothing to be worried about. If this happens, it is acceptable to murmur
something to the line of “There there,” or “Shh, it’s okay.” or something more
close like “It’s okay, I’m here for you sweetheart.”, if you two are a couple.
7
When the crying stops, offer up any sort of
wiping device, such as handkerchief, Kleenex, or even toilet
paper, as long as it is sufficiently soft for her nose. To test this, rub a bit of
it between your fingers, if it’s not two-ply or you can see through the sheets,
or it makes a crinkling sound when crushed, don’t offer it to her. Women have
an extraordinary sense of touch, and what feels okay to you can feel like
sandpaper on a lady's face.
·
If
the woman is still so incapacitated from the emotional out-pour of crying that
she cannot or will not wipe her own face, it is most often acceptable to dab at
her eyes gently. This will usually rouse her enough from her fugue to take
over. If she reaches for the kerchief, give it to her at once. She has had
enough of your ministrations.
8
Once she has had time to wipe her eyes and
nose, ask her what is wrong in a soft voice, and don’t expect a coherent
answer.
She may simply burst into tears again, and you may repeat all of the above
steps of this procedure in the knowledge that either whatever made her cry was
really, really important, or it's "that time of the month" and she
will cry again as soon as her tear-reserves replenish. Women’s tear-producing
organs work at 300 percent of their normal capacity when they are menstruating.
Keep this in mind.
·
If
you don't understand something she says, don't shrug it off. Tell her that you
don't understand or didn't quite catch it.
·
If
what is wrong is evident, such as a funeral, just be a strong and
supportive listening post. Have more handkerchiefs ready. In fact, it is a good
idea to pack a supply of them if you are going to an event where there will be
a lot of crying.
9
If the woman tells you what is wrong, first
determine if you can help her to fix the problem. Show her that you are a
gentleman, or at least a decent guy. If you can help her fix the problem, tell
her so and ask her if she wants you to help her fix it. This is especially
effective with girlfriends. Then, actually help her fix it. However, be very,
very careful offering unsolicited advice - offering to fix things
is a world apart from offering advice that can only lead to more tears, often
tears of frustration.
·
If
you see no way that you are able to help her fix the problem, then apologize
and tell her that you cannot help her fix the problem. If you know anyone whom
you think can help her fix the problem, recommend that she talk to them and
enlist their help. Tell her you hope she gets her problem fixed, and if the
woman seems not to be too wrapped up in the situation (or scary), tell her she can
talk to you again if she ever needs a shoulder to cry on.
·
There
is a school of thought that goes something like this: If a man comes to a man
with a problem, he wants a solution/fix. If a woman comes to a man with a
problem then generally she wants to feel supported and safe. Assuming that a
woman needs a fix to the problem can lead to difficulties with "not
understanding" or criticisms of "it's not that simple". In
general, it may be safer to quietly and calmly say "Is there anything I
can do to help?"; an answer of "no", often, can be taken as a
sign that now is not the time for fixing, an answer of "I don't think
so" or similarly vague response can be seen as potentially something that
needs helping. If so, proceed as suggested above.
10
Always have handkerchiefs
and a spare shirt or jacket handy in case of a crying
woman attack.
You never know when women will cry, but if you do the right things and help
them through careful support and comforting, you will be known as a true
gentleman. Keep in mind that sometimes women will cry on you just because they
need to cry at that time. The woman who does this will sometimes tell you so
after she has gotten rid of her excess tears. Tell this woman that you are very
glad to be of service, and that you hope she had a satisfactory crying
experience. Then go find a new shirt or walk in the sun to dry your current
one.
- After
the tears have passed, offer her something. If she is a coworker, it may
just be a cup of coffee and a doughnut. If she is your girlfriend, it may
be a shoulder massage, bubble bath with all the aromatherapy oils she
wants, or even just a quiet cuddling session. If she's a coworker you'd
like to turn into a girlfriend, use discretion.
- When
all else fails, offer a woman chocolate. Chocolate (especially dark
chocolate) contains chemicals that are known to boost women's moods and
make them feel better. Try to ascertain if they like dark or milk
chocolate, but if all you have is Hershey's, they won't hate you for
trying.
- Always
respect women, regardless of how irrational they may seem by your
standards; remember that they view you as being irrational too, for many
good reasons.
- If
she tells you to go away, stay with her. She is testing your loyalty, and
if you go she will be even more hurt and may find some other male to cry
on. If you stay, you are telling her that you care about her and her
emotions. However, as women age and feel more confident in themselves, go
away can really mean GO AWAY, so learn the tone and heed it. You'll get
the idea if she says something along the lines of "Crying makes me
feel better, I need to do it by myself, and I'll call you when it's done.
Now leave me alone please." or more simply, "Just get out.
Now."
- Show
her a cute thing, or do something to cheer her up.
- Silk
handkerchiefs are the most gentlemanly thing you can offer a lady
to blow her nose with. This cannot be stressed enough. Have a large supply
at the ready at all times if women are prone to crying on you.
- If
the female who is crying on you is in a romantic relationship with you, it
may be acceptable to kiss her on the forehead lightly and murmur quiet
reassurances into her ear. You may also hug her a bit more tightly when
her tears start to ease up. Girlfriends usually have more tears than
strangers, and helping her expel these tears may be beneficial to your
relationship. Hugging her also shows that you care about her and want her
close to you.
- When
you tell a woman you're going to do something (wash the dishes, replace
the faucet, squash the saucer-sized spider that tried to crawl across her
pillow), do it as soon as humanly possible. Women prefer promises to be
filled sooner, rather than later. Crying resulting from your lack of doing
something around the house will result in frustration and you risk
outbursts when you ask what's wrong. You know what you did/didn't do. Go
fix it, and make her life a bit easier.
- If
she admits to needing feminine hygiene supplies, do not under any
circumstances run away. Follow her instructions as to how to get them and
do so promptly. This is a test of your bravery and ability to follow
instructions under duress. If you can complete this mission discreetly,
consider yourself well within her good graces.
- Apologize,
even if you have no idea how you could be related to the cause of her
crying. This shows that you are sympathetic of her plight.
- Never,
ever leave a crying woman. This is a mortal sin in female eyes, and it
tells them that you're a cold-hearted, self-centered person with no
respect for others. You have a flight to catch? Too bad. To a woman,
especially a woman you know well, their emotions are more important than
that flight (naturally, with the exception of farewell tears as you get on
the flight).
- Do
not, under any circumstance, touch a crying woman in any way that could be
construed as even remotely sexual. This is a very, very boorish thing to
do, and is the worst possible way you could ever take advantage of a
woman. You deserve whatever punishment you get.
- DON'T
say something like "Don't cry like a baby" or "Oh, please
don't cry again, I hate when people cry in front of me". If it's your
girlfriend, you can say something like, "Don't cry, it makes me
sad" or something else like that. Remember, don't leave her crying
alone! Comfort her! she wants you to comfort her and make her feel loved,
that you'll always be there for her, whenever she's upset or needs you.
- Never
express exasperation with a crying woman. She will hate you for not caring
about her emotions, and for being a jerk about it. If you can't handle
seeing/hearing her cry, bite your tongue and just sit next to her patiently
working through next quarter's figures in your head.
- If
you ever disrespect a woman intentionally, be prepared to be shunned by
her entire social circle forever. Women are incredibly complex social
beings, and their finely honed gossip skills mean that you'll never get a
date in your town again.
- If
you wouldn't use it to wipe your own nose, don't offer it to her as a
tissue substitute. Industrial grade paper towels are an especially bad
choice. According to many women, they feel like sandpaper. If you have to
use them, you're better off offering up your sleeve. It's a sacrifice well
worth it.
- Also
get a few responses ready for when you girlfriend inevitably becomes angry
with you for letting another female touch you. Be sure to include the fact
that you are a gentleman, and that providing a shoulder to cry on was the
chivalrous thing to do for a woman so obviously in distress. Tell her you
will do the same and more for her, and follow through.
- Some
women do not like to be told to smile or to cheer up when they are crying.
They like to be able to get it all out; telling her to cheer up will only
bottle up her emotions. Make sure you know if she likes or doesn't like
it. If you don't know, try it once, and if you don't get a reaction (or if
you get a negative one) don't try it again, just let her cry.
- If
your girlfriend sees you with a crying female, she has every right to be
angry, because you are her territory and the other female is an
intruder.Be prepared to separate and gently calm/subdue the two females if
your girlfriend attacks the stranger.
- If
the woman crying on you is a coworker, address her by her formal name and
try not to move too much while she cries on you. Keep any patting or hand
contact above the shoulders and try to look bewildered.
Things You'll Need
Handkerchief
(silk if possible), tissue (Kleenex), your shirt sleeve
Chocolate
(optional)
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