Cold Weather Jokes

 

It's So Cold...    It's so cold that Shania Twain covered her midriff...    It's colder than a witch's tit!     colder than a whore's heart    It's cold enough to freeze the nuts off the Guy Lombardo bridge!    I'm shivering like a mobster in a tax office.    It's so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post    Refrigerators are redundant    Pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils and penguins    It's so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself to women.    you light a candle and the flame freezes    your shadow freezes to the sidewalk    you have to break the smoke off your chimney    you have to open the fridge to heat the house    your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass    police tell a robber to freeze, and he does    that Bill Clinton is sleeping with his own wife in order to keep warm.    It was so cold that the Statue of Liberty put the torch INSIDE her dress.    It was so cold the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets....    our words froze in midair and we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we hear what we were talking about.    people look forward to getting a fever    mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears    igloos come with a lifetime guarantee    You bake a cake, set it out to cool, 10 minute later it's frosted    The fire department advises you to set your house on fire    the prisoners were BEGGING for the electric chair!    people were flicking their Bics in their POCKETS!    this morning that I saw one dog jump starting another dog.    my balls have became ovaries.    you'd have to jump start a reindeer.    I saw a squirrel burying Sterno!    when you opened the door to the house the small light in front went on!    when I put on my coat to take out the garbage it didn't want to go!    My wife made a pot of coffee.  She set it outside to cool and it froze so fast.....that the ice was warm.    if my thermometer had been an inch longer, I would have frozen to death.    The fire hydrant is begging a dog to pee on it.    the snowman begs you to take him inside at night    that I saw a hen walking with a capon.    The hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks just to blow on your hands         The weather is great.  My car won't start running and my nose won't stop.     We get an awful lot of cold waves from Canada.  Can't we weatherstrip the border?     I have bad news and good news.  The bad news is that it's going to drop to zero tonight.  The good news is that my air conditioner is working again!       Signs It is Too Cold to be March   Richard Simmons wearing shorts that come nearly to the half-thigh region.   Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.   Cat's face stuck in the birdbath.   Inmates are begging for the electric chair.   Normally, people get OUT of their houses when they catch fire.   Must keep driver's license on hand to look up sex.   The rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.   The steam off of my head created a war between two Indian villages.   Only people like "Ed" and "Bob" have enough time to write their names in the snow.         There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.   They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor.   "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.   So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.   "Wow, that's colder than mine! "said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".   He won.         HOW COLD IS IT?   Degrees Celsius   +25  Aussies put on sweaters  (if they can find one in their wardrobe)      (technically, they call it a jumper, which explains why they can't      find a "sweater")   +20  Miami residents turn on the heat   +10  You can see your breath      Vancouverites shiver uncontrollably    +5  Italian cars don't start     0  Water freezes    -5  Maritimers put on T-shirts      Politicians begin to worry about the homeless      British cars don't start   -10  Toronto water freezes      Vancouverites weep pitiably      Manitobans eat ice cream on the patio      Maritimers go swimming   -15  You can hear your breath      Politicians begin to talk about the homeless      Montreal water freezes   -20  French cars don't start      You plan a vacation in Mexico      Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you   -25  Too cold to ski      Manitobans do up the top button      You need jumper cables to get the car going   -30  American cars don't start      Yukoners put on T-shirts      Too cold to skate   -35  German cars don't start      Eyes freeze shut when you blink      You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo      Newfoundlanders stick tongue on metal objects      Miami residents cease to exist   -40  Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you      Politicians actually do something about the homeless      Ottawans shovel snow off roof      Japanese cars don't start   -45  Too cold to think      You need jumper cables to get the driver going   -50  You plan a two week hot bath (if you could only thaw the water)      The St Lawrence freezes over      Swedish cars don't start   -55  Vancouverites disappear      Maritimers put on sweaters      Other Canadians put on overcoats      Your car helps you plan your trip South, but won't start   -60  Parliamentary hot air freezes      Yukoners close the bathroom window   -70  Hell freezes over      Polar bears move south         "Cold" is a relative term. Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion. Degrees (Fahrenheit)    65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night  60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)  50 - Miami residents turn on the heat  45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts  40 - You can see your breath     - Californians shiver uncontrollably     - Minnesotans go swimming  35 - Italian cars don't start  32 - Water freezes  30 - You plan your vacation to Australia  25 - Ohio water freezes     - Californians weep pitiably     - Minnesotans eat ice cream     - Canadians go swimming  20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless     - New York City water freezes     - Miami residents plan vacation further South  15 - French cars don't start     - Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you  10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going   5 - American cars don't start   0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts -10 - German cars don't start     - Eyes freeze shut when you blink -15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo     - Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects     - Miami residents cease to exist -20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you     - Politicians actually do something about the homeless     - Minnesotans shovel snow off roof     - Japanese cars don't start -25 - Too cold to think     - You need jumper cables to get the driver going -30 - You plan a two week hot bath     - Swedish cars don't start -40 - Californians disappear     - Minnesotans button top button     - Canadians put on sweaters     - Your car helps you plan your trip South -50 - Congressional hot air freezes     - Alaskans close the bathroom window -80 - Hell freezes over     - Polar bears move South     - Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game -90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets